Haunted Houses vs. Ghetto Tours USA, LLC: A Modest Proposal

Across the country, elaborate haunted houses have been created and huge lines of eager people will wait for the opportunity to be frightened by the manufactured and artificial horrors that await them inside.

The scariest Halloween Haunted House in America, the Bates Motel in Philly

Immense investments have gone into the creation of these elaborate haunted houses that feature actors dressed as ghouls and goblins, vivid special effects, hundreds of liters of fake blood, a Halloween Store worth of props,  and the promise of creating fear – if ever so brief – in the people brave enough to part with their money and venture into these massive structures.

Hauntworld.com is a Web site dedicated to ranking the top Haunted Houses in America, where those seeking chills and thrills from people dressed up as zombies, vampires, ghosts, and other assorted creeps can find the most terrifying places to satiate their need for being scared.

Be it a haunted hayride, a walk through an abandoned insane asylum, traversing around an old skyscraper replete with Hollywood quality sets,or even signing a waver that prevents you from suing the company that put together the haunted house sets (you might be scared to death, you never know!), a person trying to find frights this Halloween season has plenty of options available.

Sadly, none of these Haunted Houses are actually haunted. They are all sets, built by corporations after profits. People want to be scared, where even though their life is never in danger, the thought of someone dressed up and chasing you around with a chainsaw still elicits fear.

But the people dressed up as monsters at these Halloween Haunted House attractions are just actors. The blood isn’t real. The threat to your life is only simulated. There are no vampires. There are no ghosts. The person being examined and screaming at the 3D torture chamber is probably going to go have a drink after the show with the person doing the “so-called” torturing.

I’ve been thinking about how so many major cities across the country offer tours of the historic districts; guided tours by bus where people have the opportunity to see important buildings, monuments, and landmarks.

Halloween only comes once a year, though those creating these elaborate houses of horror plan all year (and certainly reap outstanding profits) for how they will build even more frightening sets for the next bewitching season.

What if someone were to do the unthinkable, unfathomable, unbelievable, and undeniably smart move and start offering tours of the worst cities in America; the worst neighborhoods in America; the worst housing projects in America?

People want to be scared. They pay to see elaborately decorated sets called Haunted Houses, where they walk into various rooms designed to test and stress their fear threshold. We already know that no one wants to live in the cities and counties that have been abandoned to the Black Undertow; those cities where Climate Change has made formerly safe neighborhoods into some of the most dangerous in America.

Those cities where the inhabitants offer real threats to those foolish enough to be caught driving in them. Those cities that routinely provide the bulk of the nightly news stories you watch – shaking your head at the depravity and thanking yourself that you don’t live there – in utter disbelief.

How many areas of Baltimore would provide real fear in those being escorted around decaying buildings, long ago boarded up and left derelict. Where business from the gas station to the liquor have bars on all the windows? How many areas of Atlanta, Birmingham, Memphis, Chicago, Detroit, St. Louis, Buffalo, Washington D.C., Indianapolis, Dallas, Orlando, Tampa, Miami, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, New York City, Providence, Hartford (CT), Philadelphia, etc., have areas of the city “every one knows” not to go near?

Real frights, courtesy of the inhabitants of the Black Undertow in Philly

Those are parts of the town – invariably all Black parts of the own – that people reflexively know not go drive near or be caught in after dark.

Real haunted houses. Not by ghosts. Not by vampires. Not by witches. Not by zombies. Not elaborate sets designed by Hollywood movie set designers and financed by smart businessman looking to capitalize on the Halloween season.  But these “bad parts of town” are the all-Black parts of major cities that white people only venture into if they need drugs or fake IDs.

Ghetto Tours USA, LLC. Has a nice ring to it? You could open up franchises in every city, have an armed guard on every tour and have tour guides relate the most heinous stories that have transpired since white flight occurred and the Black Undertow assumed control.

You could spur economic activity by letting those on the tour purchase food from the few remaining vendors in these depressed cities, such as the infamous Chicken Hut in Tulsa. The tour guide to show people the actual houses where gangs have been known to frequent and where the latest murder transpired; sadly, because of the no-snitching policy in that Black Undertow community, the killer is still at large. Unlike Haunted Houses, where people dress up as murderers, psychos, and nightmarish creatures, the inhabitants of the Black Undertow cities are real. They are the reason Whitopias exist.

Soon the Halloween season will end. The sets will be boxed up and the extravagant Haunted Houses and Haunted Hayrides will end. But that doesn’t mean the truly scary places in America will be boxed up.

For those daring, for those entrepreneurial enough, and for those prepared to see the most frightening places in the country, Ghetto Tours USA, LLC is ready to open for business.

No offense to Hauntworld.com, but the scariest places in America are available to go to 24/7/365. It’s just most people know that they could lose their life there, and they aren’t willing to part with that. Not even if it means experiencing palpable, agonizing, terrifying fear.



Stuff Black People Don't Like (formerly SBPDL.com) has moved to SBPDL.net!
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