#48. Unprepared Kool-Aid

Do we need an explanation?

It’s a well-known fact that Black people don’t pass on seconds. The least healthy city in America is Detroit, that municipality that Black people everywhere cannot abandon (unless they wish to abandon Black America). Black women, all Black women according to The Atlantic, are expected to be classified as  morbidly obese if their poor dietary trends continue.

With cities where Black people live being food deserts, it’s obvious they will continue unabated (primarily because, unlike Asian and Hispanic immigrants, indigenous Black people lack the entrepreneurial drive, sense of community, credit score, or trustworthiness to open, staff, and maintain an urban grocery store). After all, EBT cards rarely work at farmer’s markets. But when they do, it’s double the pleasure!

But what beverage is it Black people wash their third, fourth, fifth, and six meals down with?

Water? Oh no!

Beer? Oh no!

Sunny D? Oh no!

Kool-Aid? Oh yeah!

Black people enjoy Kool-Aid more than the citizens of Jonestown ever did, and consider this beverage (regardless of the flavor) to be the liquid height of any culinary feast. According to market research, Black people’s love for Kool-Aid is only rivaled by that of our diminutive friends from south of the border:

Almost 20 percent of Kool-Aid drinkers are Hispanic, while slightly more than 20 percent are African-American, according to the brand. Sales are split about evenly between powdered mixes and ready-to-drink versions. 

Hispanic adults are second only to African-Americans in consumption of fruit drinks, with 40 percent drinking powdered drinks (compared with 46 percent of blacks and 32 percent of whites) and 45 percent drinking prepared versions (compared with 46 percent of blacks and 27 percent of whites), according to Mintel, a market research firm.

This minority love of Kool-Aid is contributing greatly to the disproportionate rates of obesity found in each racial group, especially Black people. But who cares when you have the advantage of free health care to fall back upon! Get me another glass of Kool-Aid, please Ms. Washington?:

Louisville Metro Police arrested a man Monday morning after they said he attacked his mother over a glass of Kool-Aid.

According to arrest records, 35-year-old Lequan Washington became angry when his mother told him to go get his own glass of Kool-Aid that she had already prepared.

Police said Washington punched and stomped on his mother then left the home, then came back later and kicked a glass screen window out.

According to police, Washington said his mother was upset that he asked for a glass of Kool-Aid and fired a shot from a gun at him, but missed.Police said they did not find any evidence to support Washington’s claim, but did find damaged property that the victim reported.Washington was charged with fourth-degree assault.

Oh no! Oh Yeah. Its not like Lequan (another reminder that Black people lead the race in the unfortunate first name category) asked his mother for permission to go to the Orange County State Fair to procure Deep Fried Kool-Aid.

Why do Black people like Kool-Aid so much? Perhaps it’s simply because the Kool-Aid packets are inexpensive (or incredibly easy to conceal in pockets or purses) and water is free.

Anyways, Kool-Aid and Black people’s love for it is one of those foundational stereotypes for comedians in need of easy joke material that an audience – any audience – will instantly understand and find humorous. Lequan Washington’s consternation and acrimonious reaction to his mother’s refusal to part with the glass of Kool-Aid she had so tirelessly prepared is a reminder that Stuff Black People Don’t Like includes unprepared Kool-Aid, because this is the one beverage that a “coloreds only” sign is superfluous.

Judging by market studies, Kool-Aid is the choice of the Mein Obama Generation. Judging by Lequan Washington’s reaction, he’d have stepped over a dying body to procure a glass of Kool-Aid, even if it was his mother’s. Now we understand the impetus behind all those Black people trying to garner dinner by walking over a dying body in Tulsa for Chicken Hut’s renowned delicacy — chicken. Oh no?

Oh yeah.



Stuff Black People Don't Like (formerly SBPDL.com) has moved to SBPDL.net!
This entry was posted in kool-aid, tulsa. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s